Slayerettes vs Europe
Buffy, The Vampire Slayer Fiction
By
Rox Pebble
(After 'Chosen')
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(After 'Chosen')
"What are we going to do today Buffy?" Dawn whined. She didn't mean to whine however every word she uttered came out as a whine.
"Well Dawny, I'm going to do what I do everyday. Shop, tan and listen to Euro techno-dance music." Buffy said as she sorted through her collection of bikinis.
"Buffy, it's October!"
"That's what sunbeds are for." Buffy said, then she tossed aside the bikinis and decided to be really naughty and get into the sunbed naked. Europeans were so much more sophisticated about nudity than Americans.
"But but but." Dawn spluttered "I'm BORED."
"Watch tv or help train the slayers or shoplift or sleep with the poolboy. I don't care. I'm relaxing, the world is not my responsibility anymore." Buffy picked up the bottle of olive oil and headed off to her sunbed.
Dawn stamped her foot "I hate Europe."
Willow prodded her nosering.
"Ouch."
She then prodded her bellybutton piercing.
"Ouch."
Yes, definitely infected. Just how drunk had she been? Very very drunk obviously. Willow stretched out in her bed and sighed. Her bed and her bed alone. No Kennedy. Willow rolled her eyes, their breakup had been nasty and had lead to door slamming and screaming and Willow using magick to give Kennedy herpes.
What had she been thinking? The sex had been mind-blowing but Kennedy had the conversational skills of a pot-plant and she'd gone berserk when Willow suggested taking a break. Kennedy had punched a hole through a wall, screamed obscenities, accused Willow of bad hygiene and got on a plane to LA saying she was going to find Angel.
Willow wondered how Kennedy would react when the 'genital warts the size of mushrooms' part of the hex kicked in. She giggled and went back to sleep.
Andrew was staring at the Halloween decorations. It was nearly Halloween. He checked behind him to make sure Warren or Jonathan hadn't crawled out of the Hellmouth to rip his skin off or something but as usual there was no sign of them.
"Aahhhh Halloween." He said to himself "I say Michael Myers could have beat both Jason and Freddie. Chucky could beat Jason. Jar Jar Binks could beat Jason." Andrew looked around but there was no-one in his vicinity. "I'm bored. 'Kill Bill volume 1' bored."
Xander went into the bathroom and stared at the bidet with distrust. When he looked up, Anya was standing in front of him. She was glaring at him in a very unfriendly manner.
"Anya honey!" Xander cried, "Look I've said I'm sorry about the mall comment. Baby I do miss you. I miss your laugh, your spankings, your endless whittering, the way you wrapped your legs around my neck and squeezed."
"The mall? Starbucks?" Anya said nastily "pardon me for being cut in half by a Bringer and having my lover abandon my body to fall into the Hellmouth."
"Anya, I said I was sorry."
"No. You. Didn't!" Anya screamed, ectoplasmic spittle flying out of her mouth "You never said sorry about jilting me or humiliating me or belittling me everyday of our relationship. I'm not even cold and you joke about the mall. The mall."
"Anya, I have to pee."
"No you don't Harris. I know you. Every morning you woke up and did a number 2 and you never ever remembered to switch the fan on afterward. I had to vent your stinky ass smell out of the bathroom myself. Did you ever thank me. Noooooooo. Did you ever notice I bought non-fat microwavable meals so you wouldn't get fat? Noooooo. Now look at you, you're a big fat pig. I'm mulch in a Hellmouth and you got fat."
"Anya, please."
"I washed your underwear! I bleached out your urine stains! I didn't object when you asked me to wear the hardhat and stick my tongue up your a.."
"Anya!" Xander wailed "I need to go, could this wait?"
"I'm dead Harris." Anya folded her arms and glared at him "That wedding dress was non-refundable by the way - thank you very much. But I'm here now and I'm not leaving you. You wanna kiss a slayer; I'll be there. You wanna sleep; I'll be there. You wanna drop some friends off at the pool, I'll be there."
"Babe please."
Anya pointed at the toilet "I'm not leaving you Xander. Ever. Ever. Ever."
Xander blinked and when he opened his eye, she was gone.
Okay then, he could deal with hallucinations brought on by guilt and loss. He could not deal with the idea that his dead ex-fiancée, ex-vengeance demon, ex snuggle-buddy was haunting him.
Xander groaned and sat on the toilet. He was way stressed and should probably eat more fibre.
"I'm still here you know." Anya appeared in front of him "Remember when you lay under our glass coffeetable and I got naked and sat on it because you wanted to see me.."
Xander screamed and suddenly needing more fibre wasn't a problem anymore.
Giles ground his teeth. Buffy and co were the biggest bunch of thankless idiots he had ever met. Did they ever wonder how their hotel rooms, food bills, airline tickets, sunbed sessions, and shopping sprees were paid for? Not by them. So he had to take responsibility. He missed Olivia. He wondered how long it would take the gang to notice if he just left and got on a plane to Olivia.
He sighed and stared at the dead-eyed youths in front of him.
"Do you want fries with those Big-Macs?" He asked.
Faith stood by the pool and sighed. Europe was okay, with the weird food, the people who pretended not to speak English, the crappy tv and the rain but she missed the States. She dipped her toe into the pool and thought of LA. She missed Angel and Lorne and Wes and Fred and Gunn and..she paused. She'd forgotten something. She shook her head trying to clear it and thought some more about LA. She could remember Angelus, The Beast and bleeding all over the place, but there was a funny gap in her memory. A grey humanoid-shaped gap and she couldn't remember what or who was supposed to fill that gap.
That wasn't right.
Faith turned on her heel and marched toward the hotel. Robin breezed up to her, all buff in a teeny-tiny pair of swimtrunks.
"Faith?" He asked.
"Gotta go to LA, something's wrong." She swept past him.
"But babe, do you know how long it took to get into these things?" Robin cried.
Down in the hotel basement, the slayer army sat clutching their practice stakes and waiting.
"Do you think they're coming back?" One asked.
"It's been ages!" Another sulked.
"I'm bored!" Yet another whined.
"Sod this for a lark!" A random slayer ranted "We're slayers, why are we being dictated to by a group of tools? Let's blow this disco and have fun."
"Like how?"
"We're slayers. Let's do slayery stuff!"
"Like screw vampires, kill folks and wear immodest clothing?"
"Yeah!"
"When?"
"Right now!"
"Sod that Buffay chick, let's smoke dope, drink, stay out real late and kill evil things!"
"Yeah!"
"WHO IS WITH ME?"
The rest of the slayers waved their stakes and cheered.
And the slayer army stormed out of the basement and headed off to have fun.
Riley Finn watched as the slayer army drove their stolen tour bus down the road.
"We should follow the nubile young girls." He said "See what they do."
"Riley." His wife said, "You said you were over this slayer thing."
"Shut up or I'm sending you back to the mail order company!" Riley barked "Follow those slayers!"
Sam snorted and drove after the slayer army.
"When this adventure is all said and done, I'm writing a letter to 'Playboy'." Riley smirked "once you'd had slayer, you never ever wanna go back."
Sam stomped on the brakes.
Their jeep screeched to a halt and Riley who made it a point of honour never to wear his seatbelt as he claimed it mussed his fatigues went flying through the windshield. Riley lay in the road, slivers of windshield buried in his skin, as he choked on his own blood.
"Sam!" he wailed.
"Double indemnity life insurance clause!" Sam yelled and daydreamed of all the shoes she would buy.
Riley hacked up a bloodclot and wept: "Oh the humanity!"
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